Shelly VanEpps and Alex Nottingham JD MBA discuss how prioritizing self-worth is key. Surround yourself with positive influences, practice self-care, and manage your inner critic for growth.
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About Shelly VanEpps
Shelly is the VP of Business Development & a Mastery Coach with All-Star Dental Academy. By aiding in the growth and expansion of All-Star, Shelly’s passion for dentistry allows the company to focus on guiding dentists and their teams towards achieving their vision of a successful dental practice. Because each office has their own definition of “success” Shelly focuses her attention on customized coaching by applying her 21 years in the dental field to each department within the office. In addition, as a John Maxwell Certified Leadership Coach, Shelly enjoys working with doctors and office managers on shifting their approach from a managerial approach to a more effective leadership style.
About Alex Nottingham JD MBA
Alex is the CEO and Founder of All-Star Dental Academy®. He is a former Tony Robbins top coach and consultant, having worked with companies upwards of $100 million. His passion is to help others create personal wealth and make a positive impact on the people around them. Alex received his Juris Doctor (JD) and Master of Business Administration (MBA) from Florida International University.
Episode Transcript
Transcript performed by A.I. Please excuse the typos.
00:02
This is Dental All-Stars, where we bring you the best in dentistry on marketing, management, and training. Welcome to Dental All-Stars. I’m Alex Nottingham, founder and CEO of All-Star Dental Academy, and with me is Shelly Van Epps, COO, an executive coach at All-Star Dental Academy, and we’re talking about finding self-worth. Please welcome Shelly Van Epps. Thank you for having me, Alex. This is going to be a fun one. You’re welcome. So this finding self-worth.
00:31
Yeah, I love that topic. I think I mean, man, we’re going right to it, Shelly. I mean, it’s like, that’s the core of a lot of stuff. And I think many of us are aware of that. But we don’t talk about it’s kind of hidden behind all the great shiny objects of leadership and others is how do you feel about yourself? Yeah. And I don’t even know that it’s
00:58
It’s how we feel about ourselves. It’s how we communicate with others about ourselves, what we say about ourselves, um, how we present ourselves. I mean, questions that we ask other people, are we positive? Are we confident? You know, are we worthy? You know, I, there’s this whole thing about when you get to a certain level, even like income, you check your bank account, you look at it, you’re like, oh, okay, that’s, that’s a good amount. And there’s this.
01:28
process or thought process where if you go above it, you think I’m not worth having all of that in my bank account and people will start to spend it and they bring their bank account back down to their comfort level. I forget where that I read that in a book. Yes. And I really wish right now that I had that in my mind of what that was or what it was called. But I remember that and I and every time I look at my account and I think that and I’m like, don’t spend it.
01:56
Don’t spend it. You are worth this. And so it’s one of those things. It’s not just an account thing. I do use that as an example, but any opportunities that present themselves, you see people think, Oh, I could have this new position. I could do get a different car, but am I, do I really need a new car? Yeah, you’re worth it. You’re worth it. And so it’s one of those things. This, the self-worth goes very, very deep. It goes into, um,
02:24
who you are, different childhood things start to play factors into, you know, thought processes behind, am I going to be able to do that? My mom never did that. My dad never did that. My dad told me I can’t do that or I shouldn’t do that. Look at Michael Jordan for crying out loud. He was cut from the high school basketball team. Michael Jordan, he was like, no, I’m worth this. I’m good.
02:53
I am good and I’m going to prove myself.” And he just kept going. He could have very easily gotten into that and said, my coach thinks I’m terrible. I’m done playing basketball, hung up his shoes and called it a day, but he didn’t. And so I look at that and I’m like, okay, that’s, that’s pretty cool. I mean, most people know who he is. If you don’t get out from under the rock, but it’s one of those things where everybody knows that story, right? But do we do that to ourselves? Do we get one?
03:22
closed door, one case that didn’t do the treatment and say, I guess I shouldn’t do full case dentistry or full mouth dentistry. I guess I shouldn’t present quadrant dentistry. I shouldn’t present ideal dentistry because this person said no. That team member, I don’t want to go to this particular event. Well, one team member said no. So I guess none of my team are going to go. We’re not worth it. We’re not going to go. Um, so many different.
03:51
capacities that this can show up. And so I’m excited to dive into it. Maybe I just did, I don’t know. You did, you went deep. Yeah, and some of the things I kind of wrote down were this idea of your set point. And we have a happiness set point that could be playing into it as well. That on one hand, the research shows that if something goes bad for you, you’ll eventually go back to your happiness at point.
04:19
you have a higher happiness level, you’ll have that but you’ll want to go down to your set point. I think we also have a set point of spending, of self-worth. And like you said, there’s also studies about lottery winners who blow through their money very quickly. We know artists and musicians and how many broke, they’ve made millions and they broke. And so that plays a part of it. And not just money, but you see people that keep attracting the same mate, the same abuse, and so on.
04:49
I liked, I was thinking about our president of coaching and he is our star speaker. And so we talk about it often that if you get a chance to come to any one of our events, he’s going to be there as one of our presenters or main presenter. I think of our All Star Live annual program that we do and he’s our MC. Wow, so much fun. So if you get a chance to do it.
05:16
And the reason I say that is so much wisdom that comes from that man. And we were talking about this the other day in one of our podcasts about the, you first have to find you as your number one follower first. And I want to hold that. And then the other thing he says is you are what you eat, which is what do you put out there? What do you say?
05:43
There’s a book that one of our mastermind members recommended to us. I read in high school, it is looking over the side. What to say when you talk to yourself. So I’m reading that again. And it has a lot to do with with affirmations and just programming the computer. And yeah, just saying some affirmation without energy doesn’t do anything. You have to make an incantation.
06:09
But more importantly than proactively saying affirmations is watch all the things that are going on. The verbal self-talk when you say I’m not good at that or cancel and a trick you say whenever you say something you shouldn’t say or that’s unhelpful to you, cancel clear, resay it. I’m learning. I’m choosing to grow and be better at that. So watch what you’re saying. Watch what you allow others to say to you.
06:39
So we’re talking about self-worth. And so it all is like your mind is a computer. And the computer is designed, our mind is designed to continue to provide the environment that our mind has chosen. And anything different, there’s something called cognitive dissonance. So if I’m used to getting a certain level of affection and I get more, then I’m not going
07:08
What happens is that there’s going to be cognitive dissonance and I’m going to reject that affection because it’s not something I’m used to. Because our mind does not allow us to become liars. It’s got to be consistent. And what this book even talks about, if we don’t have a reference point in our mind, this is important, we don’t have a reference point in our mind to attract to, to connect to, we can’t understand it.
07:37
So that’s why we have to continue to train on these soft skills, emotional intelligence, leadership, and so on. And why these events that we do are very important, why coaching is very critical. And even our membership and online training, because we teach some of the positive languaging there as well, is that we keep taking garbage in, garbage out, good things in, good things out. We keep immersing ourselves in this situation to start to be able to shift that self-worth issue.
08:06
That’s the core of it, Shelley. If at the end of the day, and you can check it, and you’ll know, your body will tell you at the end of the day, if that self-worth is not functioning properly, the other stuff isn’t gonna function properly. And we have ups and downs in how the self-worth manifests, but we have so many dentists, and ourselves included, we’re watching that. Like, ooh, did I hit my self-worth? Ooh, I don’t, ooh. You know, what’s that? Because you gotta believe in yourself.
08:34
Right. And have people around you support them.
08:39
You agree? Yes, I do. I do. And, uh, well, I do. And it shows up in so many different ways and practices. And we talk about it in our coaching often with a lot of different things in the dental practice and what we are doing and how we are saying certain things and ways that it shows up having guilt, shame or blame about being the one that has to tell somebody about their problem.
09:07
And we own it, we take it on and that’s part of just being empathetic, but it’s also part of this approval and wanting to be liked the need for approval, wanting to be liked fear of failure, fear of upsetting somebody else. And so there’s a lot of the population of people who are people pleasers. And so because of that, if you upset somebody, then
09:32
It takes your whole psyche to a whole different level and you just don’t want to let yourself get there. And so you’re constantly covering it up with these different things. One of the things that really shows up is feeling extremely burned out, tired of being tired, like sick and tired of being sick and tired, right? That shows up when we are giving to so many other people so much that we forget to take care of ourselves.
10:01
Self care. And so in a, in a, exactly. In a dental practice, we are like, okay, well, we’ll work through lunch. We’ll come in early. We’ll stay late. We’re constantly give, give, give, give, giving. And then all of a sudden we have this sick and tired of being sick and tired and burned out and we need a therapeutic coach along with our dental coach who’s helping us, our practice coach to be able to help take care of ourself and our emotions. And so all of these different things just keep.
10:29
adding up and if you don’t step back and take care of yourself and think, no, I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. I know what I’m talking about. I’m here to help this person, this patient be the have the best oral health that they can possibly have access to. That’s all you need. And the easiest way to get past that, this is my coaching hack, I guess, would be using permission. Is it okay with you if I share everything that I’m finding today?
10:57
That’s going to help you pass that feeling of, I don’t want to tell them everything that I’m seeing today. I don’t want to be shot as the messenger. I don’t want to tell them how much this is going to cost. Is it okay with you if I share with you what’s involved in getting you healthy today? And that includes what the plan would be as well as how much it’s going to cost. And so asking permission gives you that release of this person asked for that, I’m going to share it with them.
11:27
That makes sense. Yeah, you know, it’s interesting. You didn’t complete the statement. I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And gosh darn it, people like me. You didn’t finish it. But I didn’t. I didn’t. Two thirds. Yeah. The there’s a great line that Brian Tracy says, you want to be independent of the good opinion of others. And I like how he says that the good opinion, not even just a bad opinion, because and I’m sure that both
11:55
You want to be independent of the good and bad opinion of others. And, and so, I mean, that’s the ultimate is where you can operate in this world with freedom. You can choose what you want to create. You can choose and we have to watch, you know, what, what do, what do we choose? And we’re in a good mood, right? Write down what it is that life you like to be. Where do you feel most open? If you like misery, keep creating misery, more power to you. I’m not going to judge. And some people have a certain level of.
12:25
Some people like more affections, people don’t like, some people more words of a, whatever the love language might be, that might be a whole nother podcast. So I think that’s critical. And then this idea of self-care, oh, I don’t have time or this happened, you have to prioritize yourself. Nobody’s gonna do it for you. And like anything else, nobody’s gonna do it for you. You have to do it. So let me ask you this. Our title is called, Finding Self-Worth.
12:55
How do we find self-worth? Part of it that in my mind is surrounding yourself with other people who are also positive. If you surround yourself finding, seeking people who are positive, if you surround yourself with people who are constantly putting themselves down, putting you down, putting others down, that’s what you’re going, you’re surrounding yourself with that environment. That’s what you’re going to get.
13:24
What you seek is what you take in. What you seek, what you surround yourself is who you become. And so if you find other people, you first have to say, okay, these are my people. There are a lot of family members maybe who you are thinking, I prefer to just separate. Like it’s good at holidays. It’s good to see them once in a while, but I’m not gonna spend all of my time with them. There’s probably a reason.
13:50
At the same time, you may have a friend, somebody who you were really close with at one point, and all of a sudden something changes. And you think, I don’t think I really want to surround myself with that person anymore. There’s this power of influence that happens in groups. And so if you are surrounding yourself with negative environments and negative people, that power of influence of negativity is going to take over. And the same thing happens when you surround yourself with positive.
14:18
When you’re around a lot of positive people, it is very difficult to be a negative person in a positive environment because they will shut you down real quick. And so that’s a huge thing. If you see that in your practice, in your life, at home, shutting that down is key. You’ve got to be the leader of it and then also surround yourself with it. I love that, what you said. And I wrote down internal and external.
14:47
I think that you have to surround yourself, the external, by people that you like to emulate. I say it, and again, I think part of you likes it, part is like enough already. But I like talking to you. You’re very positive. I like talking to our entire team. And I send love notes to the entire team. I’m so appreciative of all of you. It’s amazing what I see. That’s part of my job as a visionary motivator, but I truly believe it. I’ll just go out there at the day and I’ll just feel so good about everything. Like wow.
15:17
You know, and it feels nice. And then I use that and I reflected to the team and they get all excited. And then, and then they go, we love all star too, you know, and it becomes this like kind of, uh, ongoing energy and it’s a vibration it’s, you know, the law of attraction, this idea of everybody’s vibrate at the same, the same tempo. And so, and then. You look with teams, like to some extent you can bring some of the negative people along, you know, you start to, they start to change your vibration. But the other part of it is this.
15:46
It cannot just be external. The internal work has to happen too. And it’s not always just reading self-help books, which I love and still do. Um, it’s being able to apply that and make those changes. And sometimes it’s things that you may not want to see, uh, harsh inner critic. Right. That you’ve been dealing with for a long time. And I love the, you know, the analogy or the visualization. If you had somebody who talked to you that way in your head, who was your friend, you would stop being their friend in a few seconds.
16:16
But we continue to allow that person in our mind, putting us down, saying hurtful things. I feel like my chest hurts just thinking about it. I feel like I feel clenched, right? When somebody you think about how harsh that person says, you know, the inner critic. Now, the inner critic means well, believe it or not, it was there to protect you since you were little. So it is your friend in that respect. But it doesn’t now doesn’t know you’re older.
16:45
that you have more capabilities, that you have people around you and support, and your mind has improved, and your capability and disposition has improved. And so you have to educate that critic, and be like, listen, I can’t get rid of you. You’re there. But look, chill out. I got this, right? I’m not gonna, and you say, I’m not gonna, you can give me, you can talk to me all day long, but I’m only gonna listen when you say things that are constructive. It may be things that I don’t wanna hear that are constructive feedback that I need to improve.
17:14
but I’m not gonna listen to you putting me down. That is not acceptable. So just like other people, external, you have to stand up to people that when they’re being disrespectful or diverse yourself from them if it’s not, or set boundaries, but in your own mind, which is even more important, you gotta be able to win that battle in terms of you’re not gonna get rid of the inner critic, but you can get it to be able to soften and communicate and listen to things that are constructive and ignore things that are critical because it’s not helpful. Does that make sense?
17:44
It does 100% and as you’re speaking, I’m thinking of the movie I just watched the other night with my daughter Inside Out 2. And it’s, it’s totally, it’s such a good movie. If you haven’t watched it yet, watch it. Um, but it has all of those different pieces of our internal, our brain going, Oh, I’m going to be joy. No, I’m going to have anxiety. No, I’m going to be sad and embarrassed. And it’s pulling all those together and how all of those different things that are inside of us.
18:11
truly make who we are, you need it there to protect you, to have that joy, to be able to feel the emotions. But it’s a really cute little movie that can help describe this in a fun way. But what you’re saying is absolutely spot on. It’s all about being who you are, having those different pieces, not being afraid of your inner critic, but embracing it and saying, okay.
18:41
This is telling me to pause for some reason. It’s, it’s telling me to be careful. So let the other parts come together and surround it and say, okay, we hear you. You need that. You need some protection at times, especially if you’re a big time thinker, like our visionary over here coming up with all sorts of ideas, we need some pulse.
19:05
in saying, okay, but was that really the smartest idea for this particular scenario? Not smartest. What I would, I would say is we have to see, I’m going to, I would say the upgrade was a great idea. It’s a great idea. Let’s, let’s sit on it. You’re such wonderful ideas. Yeah. Is it the right idea right now? Exactly. That’s what I was going to say right now. Is that the best move right now? Or should we table that? I have.
19:35
All good. That’s right. All the idea I have is smart. And no, no, it’s funny because we joke about this. And you’re probably listening and saying that’s silly. You know, why are you going to say that to your brain doesn’t know even when you’re joking, we have to be careful about even joking. I say I’m not good at that. You know, we say that are she’s so much smarter than me. You can get away with it a little bit. But you got to be careful because you’re still sending programs to the computer. You can say,
20:03
I am smart and she is smart too. And she, you know, and I admire her. Nothing wrong with that. But don’t put yourself down. Even joking, be careful because it’s funny and sometimes it’s okay to deprecate, I guess, to some degree, but too much of it, you know, your system is taking it in. A little bit, your system can handle it, but if you keep saying that over and over, I’m not good at that or cancel clear or something else, your mind will get it. And this is not woo-woo stuff. It’s…
20:32
It’s like anything else. Nobody would disagree that you have that you have parents that told you you couldn’t do it since you were a kid and that stopped people. We would all say, yeah, that makes sense. I don’t disagree with that. People have overcome it, but if you keep saying it over and over again, don’t you think that that’s going to have an effect on your programming? Yeah, absolutely.
20:55
It’s powerful. It is. That’s why it’s so interesting to me, the psychologists, psychiatrists, all of the people who are looking at all of these different things and helping people who struggle with some of these things. Breakthrough talking to other people. So, like I said, surrounding yourself with people who can support you if you’re struggling with certain areas. Um, it, it makes a big difference in who you are in your personal life, but also in your professional life. And.
21:25
I know we’re a dental podcast where we’re working with dentists primarily, but I would hope that others listening to this would get something out of it as well, because this is not dentistry specific. This is no life. This is life and it’s about being a positive person and not putting yourself down. Um, and enjoying that and being proud of who you are, even if it’s not your strength computers, not my strength.
21:53
Alex, you are better at computers than me. I get that. I’m not gonna say I can’t do it. It’s gonna take me a long time to get there and it might be best if you assist me. I’m gonna upgrade all of that. Upgrade it all. That’s called, what are the, I took a program on conscious language. That’s called, they call that babble what you just said. Not to push you down. But what they would say is that.
22:20
Yeah, I admire your skills, Alex, and computers. And I look forward to learning and becoming even better at it. How does that make you feel? That makes me feel better than the way I said it. Than the limitation. That will take me a long time, cancel clear, or whatever that might be. So there’s never wrong speech, but we can upgrade it. We can say, is this my highest choice? And at first, ah, it’s funny when we deprecate. Because there’s a little part. You know what loves deprecation?
22:49
that inner critic. Ooh, when you kick your ass, pardon the French, or somebody else, probably more yourself. It loves the violence that you give to yourself. It goes, yeah, because you are a piece of so-and-so. There you go, keep doing it. It loves it. No, that’s not compassionate. I wouldn’t do that to you. Why do it to myself? So I mean, this is the part of the self-worth, and I’ll tell you this, it’s very interesting, and Shelley, you can attest.
23:16
in our groups and coaching and mastermind and a lot of events, when we get a chance to know people deeply, they talk about this. We talk about it because we’re humans and we’re all going through this process. Myself included, Shelley, maybe you too. I don’t know. But we all we all do. Right. And so so I think that’s that’s the process there. I like to do this. I’m going to skip the coaching hack because we covered so much great stuff
23:46
I like it. I love what we did. I love it. Love, like, care. I am. All these are great shoes. It was the best podcast we’ve ever done. Oh, the best in the world. They’re all wonderful. I want to tell you about a few things that are going on at All Star. I’d like you to chime in here, Shelley. I would say that, of course, become a member. You can learn about that. You can go watch our webinar, alls backslash webinar.
24:13
We have our online training program, some really inspiring videos and a lot of bonuses to our membership. It’s just like, it pays for itself like 200 times over a year. Not two, that’s a lot. Yeah, probably close to that. But I was gonna say 20, but 20 to 200, okay. The other things I wanna highlight is three other things quickly. One is coaching. To have that relationship with a coach. I talk about it in the prior podcast we did about that accountability.
24:42
Why am I getting a little echo with you, Shelly? I don’t know why. Here, let’s see. I have no idea, I’m just still sitting here. You’re sitting there. I’m not even moving. Mute yourself while I cover this in a second, because I’m, can you mute yourself on the thing? Let’s see. Echo, gone. And I’m gonna keep this in, I’m not cutting this out. This is great stuff, live. It’s better now. So when you’re ready, unmute. But I like to say, so coaching, we were talking more in the last about just like the business side of coaching, the accountability of coaching.
25:13
That’s critical. There’s also the human component, like with coaching with somebody else, that you’re not alone. Because we work with hundreds of practices a year in terms of coaching. We impact thousands of dental practitioners a year with our membership and other things as well. But with the coaching, it is a human component. You’re not alone. We see it, okay? And we support you. We have therapeutic coaches that work on like therapeutic and mindset,
25:43
they inundate themselves with therapy, and personal development. So that’s always a part of it. We have a positive service base, not sales and urgency base program. The other two things I wanna highlight, mastermind, that is we have a group of dentists that work together. We’re not alone, right? This is the most powerful catalyst for personal professional growth.
26:08
when you’re working with Mastermind, because dentists feel that they’re alone on an island, something’s holding them back, and when you hear others that experience in the same thing, that’s where a Mastermind is so critical. And a Mastermind is not me or any of us coaches speaking down to you. It’s all of you talking and supportive with each other in a very well-defined, high-quality apparatus that we created, this All-Star Movement. Okay.
26:36
All that can be learned at AllS You can learn and read more about those resources. The last thing I want to talk to you about is our also, we do an event every year called All Star Live. We changed the name because you’re getting excited now. We changed the name from the practice growth summit to All Star Live. And the reason, part of the reason for that was that, yes, we’re good at cover at All Star Live, the greatest growth strategies out there. Of course, that’s a price of admission.
27:06
but it’s about live living, right? You like that. And here we’re elevating your team’s culture, the energy, you know, the top, when I say the top dentists, top 3% of dentists, not that we’re so great, which we are, but it’s more about the people that have saying, I want the most out of life, a great business, and I wanna live in a great life where I’m inspired and my team is inspired. So this is a program you’re gonna learn a lot, you’re gonna meet other people.
27:35
get inspired and that energy continues the rest of the year. And that you can also go to our website and click on events and learn more about all star live. Shelley, I know you’re loving everything I’m saying. What would you like to add? I do. And that all star live super excited about it. Austin, Texas. This time we are trying to bounce around, go to different areas, found a central location. So it’s not, you know, four hour, five hour flights or anything like that for anybody. It’s kind of in the middle for this one.
28:05
Super excited, beautiful, beautiful hotel that we’re going to be at. It’s just amazing. And we’ll all be there. Hopefully you’ll all be there and whether you’re a member, like you said, or somebody who’s listened to a podcast, you’re all welcome. We’d love to have you there. And the day before we also have an entire day of different intensives that we’re putting together. So again, you can check out the website that Alex mentioned and, and find out more about those.
28:35
But there’s something for everybody and not just for the doctors. It’s for the doctors, team members, hygienists, assistants, admin, bring them all. It is something where the, when you have your team together, remember surrounding yourself with like-minded Eagle top notch, amazing people, bald eagle, bald eagle, beautiful bald eagle, beautiful bald eagle. This is the opportunity.
29:03
to bring your people and surround them with other people who have positive energy. If you feel like you just need that injection in your practice, that excitement, it’s kind of like, well, we are stagnant, we’re just not getting anywhere. This is the opportunity. You’ve gotta be there. It’s interesting, as we talk about our development from the event where we call Practice Growth for many years, we’re still doing that, but I think it missed the heart.
29:33
of what we’re doing. And that’s why I feel so inspired talking about self-worth because we’re seeing the real changes. Besides growth, we’re always going to make people money. That’s part of what we do. Not an issue. But it’s the heart. It’s transformation we’re looking for. If they leave, my uncle is a physician. And he says when a patient leaves, what he’s looking for is that they left with more energy than they came in.
30:04
Energy is the currency of life. It’s not money. You can have all the money in the world. If you don’t have energy, you don’t have nothing. Okay? So when you leave this program, you feel more energized, engaged, your team. And not just rah-rah, but it’s a community. It doesn’t have to be over the top nonsense. You feel connected to sort. And that’s what it’s all about. That’s what All Star Live is about. And it’s not just us facilitating, it’s all of you that make it great.
30:32
So go to alls You can learn about all these modalities. And if you’re like, wow, that’s a lot, reach out, email, call us, and we’re happy to talk to you. Our COO will talk to you. Our co-owner, Heather, will talk to you. Our VP of Training. So we take care of it. We just love this stuff. And even if we didn’t get paid for it or money, whatever, we still do, we love it. It’s great. It’s a passion. And I think that’s what we’re all gonna come from as well. So, Shelley of NAPS.
31:02
executive coach, COO of All-Straditional Academy. What a joy to have you. And that’s what I love to do. I love with the podcast. It’s kind of like, and I want people to get a sense of this because this is what why podcasts are fun is it’s just real. Like we’re just having a conversation. Like we would have this conversation just, well, we talked before after all that, but we have to have some coherency and not jibber jabber too long for the listener.
31:30
But I want you to get a sense of these are the conversations that we have with each other. And, you know, continue to find and build our self worth. So thank you again. And remember to follow us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and YouTube as always, and share with your friends. So we get all the great episodes. And until next time, go out there and be an All Star.
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We hope you enjoyed this episode of Dental All-Stars. Visit us online at allstardentalacademy.com
